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A commitment to inclusion and outreach to those perceived to be marginalized are the common threads linking the Reform Movement's attitude toward interfaith couples and gay and lesbian Jews. Keruv, drawing near those who are far, and ahavat ger, loving the stranger, are mitzvot* that the Reform Movement has reclaimed and brought to life with the effect of enriching individual lives and the life of our communities.
Much of what we have learned in outreach to interfaith couples over the past two decades has been applied more recently in efforts to include gay and lesbian Jews in a meaningful way in synagogue life and to recognize the potential for blessing that each brings. "Removing the "not wanted" signs from our hearts" , as Rabbi Alexander Schindler urged us to do with regard to our relationship with intermarried couples, is an effort extended now to gay individuals and couples as well. Alleviating prejudice, listening to personal stories, studying the issues in the broad spectrum of Jewish texts, educating about societal strictures, attending to hurt, and programming for integration all are approaches we have taken in both areas. The fact that there are many interfaith (and conversionary) gay or Lesbian couples further intertwines the two issues.
These commonalities and the positive steps that have been taken, far from complete though they be in either case, are not where the rub is in my experience, however. Most often I hear the issue raised in the following way:
"Rabbi, you'll marry a gay couple? A relationship that's forbidden in the Torah. So why won't you marry my son and his fiancee? She's not Jewish yet, but they are planning to have a Jewish home. Seems at least inconsistent?"
I'm afraid there's no shortcut response. Whether you in fact choose to officiate or not at either ceremony, this is a ready-made opportunity to model and teach informed, carefully weighed choice. Some areas to consider in framing a reply:
This person is probably in pain, so expressions of understanding and care are in order.
Expect to encounter feelings of ambivalence, fear of rejection, and shame, as well as joy and excitement about a wonderful commitment that's about to be formalized. (Your feelings may mirror those of your questioner.)
Acknowledge the commonalities between the two issues, but also distinguish between them. In one instance, one of the parties is not Jewish and that's the situation on which you must base your decision. What do you feel is your role as a rabbi in relation with an interfaith couple, particularly under the chuppah? In the other instance, your understanding of kiddushin will influence your decision and the manner of your participation. They are distinct situations, both of which demand your careful attention as a Reform rabbi.
You may want to refer to your study of Jewish texts, your read of current demographic, medical and psychological findings, your understanding of your role as a rabbi. How much information to give and what sort will be determined by the tenor of the conversation.
Give other examples of contemporary choices that are inconsistent with the letter of the Torah text, e.g., "an eye for an eye."
Explore and offer ways to support the new couple.
In addition to responding personally to the individual or couple who approaches you, remember that keruv is a mitzvah for all Jews, not only clergy. Consider including a case study on Jewish responses to intermarried couples and to gay and lesbian Jews in a class on informed choice in Reform Judaism. Invite three or four articulate congregants from diverse backgrounds and life experiences to speak on a panel about how they came to be involved in the life of your congregation and what being part of a Reform congregation means to them. Develop and work with an Outreach presence in your congregation (Outreach committee, Outreach Fellow or other designated group) that addresses the particular needs of community members who may feel estranged or barred from full participation in synagogue life. Many successful approaches for small, medium and large congregations can be found in the Reform Jewish Outreach: Idea Book series available from the URJ Press.
* See Maimonides, Sefer Hamitzvot, 3rd positive commandment.
This answer prepared by Dru Greenwood MSW, Director
William and Lottie Daniel Department of Outreach, URJ.
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